Your Mama's So.....

  1. fat, when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.

  2. stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

  3. fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat in the rain, people run to her and
     yell "Taxi!"

  4. stupid, when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went 
     home and got 16 friends.

  5. fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.

  6. fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.

  7. fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

  8. fat, she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.

  9. fat, she has to grease her hands to get into her pockets.

 10. nasty, when she goes to the hair salon, she told the stylist to trim her
     hair and opened up her shirt.

 11. fat, when she tripped on Walnut, she landed on Spruce.

 12. ugly, when she's taking a shower, it's like "Gorillas in the Mist."

 13. ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals"

 14. ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
 
 15. ugly, just after her birth, her mother saw the after-birth and said
     "Twins!"

 16. ugly, just after her birth, the doctor slapped her mother.

 17. ugly, just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her
     father said "Yeah! Let's go bury it!"

 18. stupid, she placed a ruler on her pillow so she can see how long she can
     sleep.

 19. old, I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died.

 20. ugly, they push her fact into dough to make gorilla cookies.

 21. ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.

 22. poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she
     was doing, she said "Moving."

 23. ugly, they didn't make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars.

 24. fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.

 25. ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turned off the surveillence cameras

 26. fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution! Wide Turn" sign.

 27. stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a 
     spoon.

 28. fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.

 29. fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "One at a time, please."

 30. stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't
     read.

 31. fat, I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas.

 32. ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her.

 33. ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck so the dog will play
     with her.

 34. ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn!
     Is it Halloween already?"

 35. stupid, she died before the police arrived because she couldn't find the
     "11" button for "9-1-1."

 36. stupid, she tried to steal a police car because she thought 911 meant
     Porsche.

 37. ugly, the govt. moved Halloween to her birthday.

 38. stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occurs around homes, she moved.

 39. ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

 40. stupid, after she watched the ballerinas, she asked "Why don't they get
     taller girls?"

 41. ugly, she makes onions cry.

 42. ugly, when she walks into a haunted house, she came out with a paycheck.

 43. nasty, her hairy armpits look like she's got Buckwheat in a head lock.

 44. fat, the shadow of her ass weighed 50 pounds.

 45. fat, her navel gets home 15 minutes before she does.

 46. stupid, she's got blonde roots in her eyeballs.

 47. stupid, she got fired from M & M factory for throwing out all W's.

 48. ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot.
 
 49. fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance.

 50. fat, she jumped in air and got stuck.

 51. fat, she can't wear a "X" t-shirt because the helicopter kept trying to
     land on her.

 52. ugly, when she puts her face next to the bowl trying to hear snap-crackle-
     and-pop, all she heard was "ARGHHHHHHHH!!! Let's get the hell outta here."

 53. stupid, if you give her a penny for her intelligence, you'll get change 
     back.

 54. gullible, when she was learning how to swim, she said to the instructor:
     "Will I really sink if you take the finger out?"

 55. fat, if she was a superhero, she would be "incredible bulk."

 56. old, she co-wrote one of the ten commandments.

 57. stupid, she was locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

 58. poor, they put her picture on food stamps.

 59. fat, God said "Let there be light," right after she moved her fat ass.

 60. ugly, it makes me wish birth control is retroactive.

 61. stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.

 62. ugly, her face is closed on weekends.

 63. fat, a picture of her fell off the wall.

 64. fat, she uses a matress as a maxi-pad.

 65. ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown.

 66. fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts.

 67. old, she owes Jesus Christ a quarter.

 68. stupid, she sold her car for gas money.

 69. old, her social security number is 1.

 70. ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.

 71. fat, she's on both sides of the family.

 72. ugly, when she gets up, the sun goes down.

 73. ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!"

 74. poor, she can't even pay attention.

 75. fat, when she wears a red dress in the summer, kids run after her 
     yelling, "Cool Aid! Cool Aid!"

 76. stupid, she thinks St. Ides is a church.

 77. fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

 78. fat, when she swims, she leaves stretch marks on the swimming pool.

 79. fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she orders everything on the menu,
     including "Thank You, Come Again."

 80. ugly, when she was lying on the beach, the cat tried to bury her

 81. black, she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.

 82. poor, she went to Kentucky Fried Chicken and licked everyone else's 
     fingers.

 83. old, she knew Burger King When he was a prince.

 84. old, she's got Jesus' beeper number.

 85. dumb, she puts lipstick on her head so she can make up her mind

 86. fat, her blood type is Regu

 87. stanky, she gives sourdough yeast infection

 88. fat, when she auditioned for a part in "Indiana Jones," she got the part
     as the big rolling ball

 89. stupid, she failed her blood test

 90. fat, she broke her leg and gravy came out

 91. fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's
     nose

 92. dark, when the cops shot at her, the bullets came back for flashlights

 93. stupid, she took you to the airport the sign said airport left, so she 
     turned around and went home

 94. stupid, she got stabbed in a shootout

 95. 's glasses are so thick, when she looks at a map, she can see people
     waving at her

 96. fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes

 97. ugly, when she was born, they put her in a tinted incubator
 
 98. stupid they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade.

 99. fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs

100. fat, she wakes up in sections

101. stupid, when she was filling out a job application, when she saw "sign
     here,"  she put scorpio

102. ugly, cockroaches go like this  "HI! MOM"

103. fat, when she goes to the movie theater, she sits next to everybody

104. fat, when she goes to the beach, kids go "free willy! free willy!"

105. poor, when she heard about "Last Supper," she thought she ran out of
     food stamps

106. stupid, she thought a quarterback is a refund

107. fat, she's got her own zip code

108. old, she planted the first tree at Central Park

109. old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp

110. fat, people jog around her for exercise

111. fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone 

112. fat, she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for their new
     world 

113. fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" 

114. fat, she fell in love and broke it. 

115. fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A.,  Chicago... 

116. stupid, when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted 
     line she put "O.K." 

117. stupid, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, 
     "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too." 

118. stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. 

119. stupid, she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! 

120. stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, cause she wanted to makeup her
     mind. 

121. ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have
     to kiss her goodbye. 

122. old, that when she was in school there was no history class. 
 
123. old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. 
 
124. old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper. 

125. poor, when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!" 

126. poor, she ate cereal with a fork to save milk. 
 
127. dark, she went to night school and was marked absent! 

128. hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her! 

129. skinny, she turned sideways and dissapeared. 

130. stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at the orange juice box because
     it said 'concentrate'.

131. dumb, she saw Jesus walk on water and said,'it's gotta be the shoes

132. poor, she went to McDonald's and had to put her french fries on lay-a-way.

133. fat, she sweats Crisco

134. fat, she stepped on rainbow and made Skittles

135. old, she knew Captain Crunch when he was a private

136. greasy, she uses strips of bacon for band-aids

137. fat, that when she sits in front of the HOLLYWOOD sign all you can see
      is H D

138. fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion

139. nearsighted, she can see the future

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