To:       All employees
From:     The Management
Date:     August 14, 1995
Subject:  Updated Office Language

It has been brought to our attention that some of the language used in our organization is offensive to several of our fellow employees. We cannot let this situation continue. However, management realizes that it is important that all employees should be able to express views clearly without misunderstanding, so comparative phrases should be used instead. It is important that all should memorize the new phrase, so an exchange of ideas can continue in the workplace.

New Phrase                           Old Phrase
I'm not certain that's feasible.     No fucking way.
Really?                              You gotta be shitting me.
Perhaps you should check with...     Tell someone who gives a fuck.
Of course I'm concerned.             Ask me if I give a shit.
I wasn't involved in that project.   It's not my fucking problem.
I'm not sure I can implement this.   Fuck it. It won't work.
I'll try to schedule that.           Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?
Are you sure there's a problem?      Who the fuck cares?
How nice.                            Fuck you.
You don't say.                       Eat shit.
Excuse me?                           Eat shit and die.
Excuse me, sir?                      Eat shit and die motherfucker.
They won't be happy with this.       What the fuck to they want with my life?
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.  Fuck it. I'm on salary.
I don't think you understand         Shove it up your ass.
I love a challenge.                  This job sucks.
You'd like me to take care of this?  Who the fuck died and made you the boss?
Yes, I think we should discuss this. Another fucking meeting.
I don't foresee any problems.        I really don't give a shit.
He needs some training.              He's a fucking idiot.
You'd like my help?                  Kiss my ass.
Interesting behavior.                What the fuck?

Contributed by: Linda Kan

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