SOAPY BUSINESS

 
  Below is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
  London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel
  involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was
  mentioned.

  ___________________________________________________________________
  
  Dear Maid,
  Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
  bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please
  remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the
  medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are
  in my way. Thank you,
  S. Berman
  
  -------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  Dear Room 635,
  I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
  from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
  dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
  way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
  change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which
  my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I
  hope this is satisfactory.
  Kathy, Relief Maid
  
  -------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did
  not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of
  soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had
  added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am
  going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
  own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are
  on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth,
  etc. Please remove them.
  S. Berman
  
  -------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  Dear Mr. Berman,
  My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
  which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps
  which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish
  where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for
  your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which
  are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-
  ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last
  Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
  Your regular maid,
  Dotty
  
  -------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  
  Dear Mr. Berman,
  The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that
  you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your
  maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you
  will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have
  any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my
  personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank
  you.
  Elaine Carmen
  Housekeeper
  
  -------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  Dear Miss Carmen,
  It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel
  for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM.
  That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were
  already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do
  anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you
  assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today,
  since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet
  along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf.
  In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why
  are you doing this to me?
  S. Berman
  
  -------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  Dear Mr. Berman,
  Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to
  your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further
  assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank
  you,
  Elaine Carmen,
  Housekeeper
  
  -------------------------------------------------------------------
  Dear Mr. Kensedder,
  My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
  room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night
  and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
  S. Berman
  
  -------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  Dear Mr. Berman,
  I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
  problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room
  since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time
  they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.
  Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
  Martin L. Kensedder
  Assistant Manager
  
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  Dear Miss Carmen,
  Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in
  last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54
  little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do
  you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath
  size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
  S. Berman
  
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  Dear Mr. Berman,
  You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
  Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was
  missing so I personally returned them - the 24 Camays which had
  been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.
  I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
  Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps
  so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't
  know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was
  able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
  Elaine Carmen
  Housekeeper
  
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  Dear Miss Carmen,
  Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
  inventory. As of today I possess:
  
  - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and
    1 stack of 2.
  - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
  - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
    hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
  - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
  - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
  - On northeast corner of tub -  1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
  - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
  
  Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
  are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks
  of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my
  bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot
  for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased
  another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel
  vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
  S. Berman

  _____________________________________________________________________

 
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I had paradise to my left, hell to my right and the angel of death behind me
------------------------------------------------------------Dune------------

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