ARE YOU A SAFE DRIVER ?
=========================

                           [ written : P C K Hartley ]
                           [  edited :   Culfinion   ]

© 1992 The Salford Parking Space Fiend
1. Would you expect to find skid marks a) at the scene of a pile-up, b) when approaching a radar trap, c) when leaving traffic lights, d) on a blind bend, e) on a blind traffic warden's hat, or f) on your passengers' underwear ? 2. You are tooting along quite happily when a long, black, official-looking limousine cuts in front of you, its lights flashing and its horn blaring. Do you a) lower your speed, b) raise your fingers, c) take his number, d) tut severely, e) probably fail to notice, or f) feel it was probably a mistake to go for a spin round the grounds of Buckingham Palaca, after all ? 3. Is the maximum legal speed limit in the UK a) 70 mph, b) three bottles of amphetamines, c) unrealistic, d) just a wild unobtainable dream, e) usually obtained before you've got out of second gear, or f) quaint ? 4. If your girlfriend gave you a two-tone horn for Christmas, would you a) use it to tune your engine, b) buy here a new blade for her ladyshave, c) joim a Caribbean band, d) see a doctor, e) ask her to see a doctor, or f) ask her to take her teeth out next time ? 5. Do you see traffic signs as a) dangerous hazards, b) amusing distractions, c) a blur, d) incontrovertible prrof that life's not fair, e) a load of bollards, f) a conservation area for moss, rust and graffiti ? 6. You are negotiating the descent of a steep alpine mountain pass on your way home from work when your brakes fail round a treacherous hairpin bend. Do you a) attempt to change gear, b) attempt to change your underwear, c) jump out of the window, d) think you've seen the film, e) wonder what the hell you are doing up a steep alpine mountain pass anyway, or f) phone home to say you'll be back sooner than expected ? 7. Do you change your oil a) when the old oil has run out, b) before a dinner party, c) after a bath, d) in spring, e) in extremis, or f) only if you can't afford a new car ? 8. Driving down a foggy narrow country lane, you begin to suspect that you may be travelling a little too quickly for the conditions when you cross an icy humpback bridge and suddenly find yourself on a direct collision course with a jumbo jet. Do you a) brake hard, b) break down, c) avert your eyes, d) use your car phone to contact a mechanic, e) use your car phone to contact a qualified priest, or f) wish you hadn't bothered to renew the car tax ? 9. Is the RAC a) a famous London museum, b) a dyslexic term for motor vehicle, c) a mythical rarely seen bird, d) a mythical rarely seen motoring organisation, e) a decoration awarded to soldiers who arrived late for thr war, or f) a group of brave men with handle-bar moustaches who fly aeroplanes ? 10. You draw up behind a learner driver who is waiting for the lights to change at a busy crossroads. After three days and 8,640 changes, they have still not seen a colour they like. Would you be a) incensed, b) intruiged, c) in grave danger of running out of patience, d) in grave danger of running out of petrol, e) astounded, or f) asleep ?
How did you score?
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Marking scheme :

a - 100
b - 160
c - 0
d - 200
e - 120
f - 60

Total mark range classifications :
0-60
Well done! It usually takes you half an hour to go from 0 to 60. Sit down and try and get your breath back. Bloody Sunday driver.

100-260
You're the type of mild and meek motorist who thinks that the rev counter is something that tells you how many vicars have been in the car. You approach hazards at precisely 10mph, then slow down again after you've passed them. You seem to have gained the impression that aquaplaning is something you do with trunks and a sailboat. As far as you are concerned, it might as well be.

280-420
You have little respect for pedestrians and even less for your fellow motorists. You sneer at passing police cars, show a contemptuous disregard for road signs and blatantly ignore all warnings not to drink and drive. An average score. How do you like public transport by the way ?

440-600
This quiz has obviously come as quite a shock to you. It's hardly surprising as you've spent the last 10 years sitting up late with a candle and half a dozen pencils trying to crack the Highway Code. After all that time, if you still feel that you want to drive, join a golf club.

620-860
You're one of those really knowledgeable motorists who think a double declutch is a stiff drink. Or is that just wishful thinking?

880-1220
You're like an animal when you get behind a wheel - blind as a bat. You've got the road sense of a hedgehog, the reactions of a sloth, the navigating skills of a lemming and you get up more noses than a streptococcus bacterium.

1240-1400
Curiously enough this is also a pretty accurate assessment of the number of points that you have on your driving licence. It's also about forty times greater than your IQ and approximately half your average speed around town last week.

1420-1680
You have an accident record roughly on par with that of the Forty Year War. The only thing that is remarkable about your driving is how you manage to get your vehicle insured every year - and why.

1700-1900
Your idea of road safety is to drive on the pavement. You see pelican crossings as a handy way of keeping the pedestrian population down. And the last red light you stopped at was over a young lady's door.

1914-1918 The First World War.

1920-2000
Let's be honest. You can do no wrong on the road. You're acute, skilled, attantive and generally perfect in every way. It's such a shame that your miraculous abilities are restricted to the mechanical confines of a mere internal combustion engine. Surely you'd feel more at home on a donkey?

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