A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season's emphasis on His birth.He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on Little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on Little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"
On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand.
The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
"Very good," said the teacher.
The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this."
"Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."
The teacher asked him why .
He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, "Oh God, I'm coming!""
This teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is "contagious".
She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.
"Carl," she says.
Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious,"
and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"
Then she notices that Little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class.
"Yes, Johnny?" she says.
Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first : it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
"Now, for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him.
But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're thinking."
"Here's another : it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now, Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket.
Okay, I've got it : it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
One day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike.
His mother said, "At Christmas you send a letter to santa to ask for what you want, don't you?"
"Yes, "replied Johnny, "but it isn't Christmas."
His mother said, "Yes, but you can send a letter to Jesus and ask him."
Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started his letter.
He thought about this and decided to start a new letter.
He thought about this and decided that he didn't like that one either.
He left and went walking around depressed when he went by a house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard. He picked up the statue and hurried home. He put the statue under the bed and started his new letter.
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Kuah Wee Khai, email@example.com
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