The Standardized Guide to the Bases

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school?
If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?

"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!"

Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older.

What's a person to do?

Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play.

So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present... The Standardized Guide to the Bases


First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.


First Base
This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

Second Base
Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

Third Base
Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

Home Run
This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.


Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive.
But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex?
And what about the exact definitions?
Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado...


The Standardized Guide to the Bases!

On Deck
Having plans for a date

Strike-Out
Duh!!

Walk
Kissing

Bunt
Masturbation

Single
Tongue kissing

Double
Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels

Triple
Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation

Inside the park home run
Oral Sex

Home Run
SEX!

Ground Rule Double
Would have sex, but no condom

Error
Condom breaks during sex

Banned for life for gambling
Sex without condom

Hall of Fame
Marriage


Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen nowadays.


Balk
Premature ejaculation

Pine Tar
KY jelly

Relief pitcher
Vibrator

Rain Delay
parents/roommate return home unexpectedly

Box Seats
Waterbed

Seventh Inning Stretch
Unusual positions

Rookie
Virgin

Minor Leagues
Under 18

Loaded Bases
menage a trois

Grand Slam
Sex four times in twelve hours

Foul tip
VD

Three up and three down
impotency


Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity.


OLD WAY
"We, um, got to third base I guess and then we, um, got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.

NEW WAY
First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and I started thinking, it's hall of fame time.

So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.


From: Linda Kan

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