Confucius Says...

  1. "Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard."
  2. "Man who lay girl on hill not on level."
  3. "He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab."
  4. "Wife who put man in dog house find him in cat house."
  5. "Man who farts in church sits alone in pew."
  6. "Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand."
  7. "Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary."
  8. "Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing."
  9. "Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down."
  10. "Man with athletic finger make broad jump."
  11. "Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts."
  12. "Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak."
  13. "Modern house without toilet uncanny."
  14. "Nail on board is not good as screw on bench."
  15. "Man who have hand in pocket feel cocky all day."
  16. "Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth."
  17. "Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality."
  18. "Baseball very strange game. How can man with 4 balls walk?"
  19. "Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit."
  20. "Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face."
  21. "Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring."
  22. "Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly."
  23. "Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy."
  24. "Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag."
  25. "Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things."
  26. "Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old."
  27. "Wife who slides down bannister makes monkey shine."
  28. "Virginity like balloon, one prick and it is all gone."
  29. "Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss."
  30. "Girls should not marry basketball players, they dribble before they shoot."
  31. "Woman who flies upside-down have crack up."
  32. "He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands."
  33. "Man who have head up ass, have shitty outlook on life."
  34. "Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change."
  35. "A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work."
  36. "He who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied."
  37. "He who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod."
  38. "Eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one."
  39. "Sleepy man who stand behind car get exhausted."
  40. "Sleepy man who stand in front of car get tired."
  41. "Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wakes up with smelly fingaz."
  42. "Man who stand on toilet, must be high on pot."
  43. "Man who have hand in pockets, not crazy, just feeling nuts."
  44. "All men eat, but Fu Manchu"
  45. "Crowded elevator smell different to midget"
  46. "Wise man never hide in woman's closet after eating baked beans"
  47. "Boy and girl who go camping together sure have naughty intent"
  48. "Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders"
  49. "Even greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert"
  50. "Man who walk sideway through airport doorway going to Bangkok"
  51. "Exotic dancer get appluase, call girl just get clap"
  52. "Fly who sit on toilet rim get pissed off"
  53. "He who eats many prunes sits on toilet many moons"
  54. "Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on desk"
  55. "He who masturbates in front of cash register, come into money"
  56. "Man and woman who have sex in cemetery are said to be fucking near dead."
  57. "Girl who rides bicycle peddles ass all over town."
  58. "Is good for girl to meet boy but better for boy to meat girl"
  59. "Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time"
  60. "Man who finger girl having period may get caught red handed"
  61. "Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam"
  62. "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money"
  63. "Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock"
  64. "Man who buy drowned cat must pay for stinking wet pussy"
  65. "Man who meows ate pussy!"
  66. "Man with hand in pocket is having a ball"
  67. "Those who quote me are fools"
  68. "Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it"
  69. "Work to become, not to acquire"
  70. "Show off always shown up in showdown"
  71. "Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock"
  72. "Man with no legs bums around"
  73. "Man who pull out too fast leave rubber"
  74. "A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose"
  75. "Find old man in dark, not hard!"
  76. "Confucius say too God damn much!"
  77. "Man who smoke pot choke on handle"
  78. "Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose"
  79. "When in doubt, whip it out"
  80. "A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts"
  81. "Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"
  82. "War doesn't determine who's right, war determines who's left"
  83. "Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache"
  84. "Girl who marry detective must kiss dick"
  85. "Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed"
  86. "Girl who go to bachelor pad for snack get tit-bit"
  87. "Man have more hair on chest than woman - but on the whole woman have more"
  88. "Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy"
  89. "Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind"
  90. "Woman is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time"
  91. "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house"
  92. "Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk"
  93. "Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs"
  94. "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
  95. "If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people"
  96. "He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser"
  97. "While others are inside sitting down, you will be outstanding"
  98. "Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!"
  99. "Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
  100. "It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it"
  101. "Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed"
  102. "Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary"
  103. "Man who go out with flat chested woman feel shallow"
  104. "Man that have sex with hole in ground have piece on earth"
  105. "Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons"
  106. "Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next spring"
  107. "Woman with bleached blonde hair have black hair by cracky"
  108. "Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money"
  109. "Wife for life is better than wife for strife"
  110. "Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink"
  111. "Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"
  112. "Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!"
  113. "Rape no good, woman run faster with dress up, than man can with pants down"
  114. "Better to sleep with chicken than to choke it"
  115. "All blonde not blonde by cracky"
  116. "Man who sit on tack get point"
  117. "Man who runs behind car gets exhausted"
  118. "Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"
  119. "Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new-key!"
  120. "Woman who fly plane upside down have hairy crack up!"
  121. "Man who has woman on ground has piece on earth!"
  122. "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"

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